Still Not Done & Other Musings

I'm still not done with my miscarriage. Sigh. I had another blood test this week and my numbers are at 15. Nine more numbers to go. Today I had a scary thought. I realized that I had not gone a week, except for my vacation last week, without a doctor's appointment since the week before Christmas. And really that was around the time of my IUI so really the last significant period of time I've been without having to think about dr visits, needles, blood levels, etc has been since November. I think that is the one good thing about the next couple months. It will be so refreshing not to have black and blue inner elbows. I don't know what that spot is called, but inner elbow is about as accurate as I can be. I really am almost looking foward to this time to just relax and wait on June (hopefully June).

This is a picture of all my receipts just for Jan and part of Feb. Probably about six weeks worth. I just wanted to see how many receipts I had just from the time I found out I was pregnant until now. It doesn't even include several receipts from recent visits I've had since I took this.  

It has been such a loooooong, tough week. Last week on vacation was so relaxing and calming and this week, no lie, has been horrible! It could be worse, so I don't want to be too dramatic, but literally I've felt so overwhelmed with the waiting and thinking about how far away June is. When I first had my miscarriage and found out I'd have to wait several cycles to try again I made a list of all the things I had to look foward to between then and April. Obviously since it's March now I'm half-way through that list. Ugh! Now I have to come up with a lot of really not so important stuff to try and make a big deal about so the time will go faster. Time to get pumped about finding that new dentist!!

Before this week I was starting to feel that I was "okay" meaning that I felt like I could start to be more social again. It's so easy to withdraw into yourself during all this infertility stuff just because it's so private and for me, I'm always afraid someone will hurt my feelings so I'd rather not discuss this with people than risk telling them and then they turn around and say something that hurts. I do feel that I'd rather assume that when people offend me they wouldn't have said it if they had known what was going on so in that sense I'd rather continue to be private about things. Because, let's face it, once it's said it's out there and really hard to forget about.

I think the one thing I wish everyone who doesn't experience infertility would have to experience is the filling out of forms. Since I've been gearing up for new dr appointments lately I've been answering the inevitable embarrassing and ridiculous questions that come with the neverending list of forms they give you to fill out. I wonder how many people would go through this when they read these questions. You know you hard core want a baby when you read a form and it asks "Does your partner wear tight underwear?" And you immediately start thinking of every form of underwear your husband owns, when he wears it, how he wears it, if he wears it, trying to determine if their definition of "tight" matches my definition of "tight" and then again going through all lists of underwear to actually determine does he or does he not wear the tight underwear. Once I realize I've been sitting there for ten minutes trying to answer one yes or no question out of about a hundred that are all pretty much like that I usually give up and move on, but not without double-guessing myself the entire way. He probably does wear it. I'm guessing most people would start to giggle and move on, but not infertility chicks! We take underwear questions REALLY SERIOUSLY. Ha! The questions are almost unbelievable and usually after spending hours on these forms I wonder if anyone more than glances at all these copious details I've written. Probably not.