Another week, Another Blood Test

So this week went by pretty fast. I had a lot planned for last weekend and then this week work was crazy so the days flew by. Today I had another blood test. My numbers dropped from the 1,000-something number I couldn't remember to 170. Ugh! Still not below 5 so I have to go back again next week for another blood test. I think I'm going to call and reschedule for later this week because I just want this to be over with.

On a side note, I have finally stopped bleeding and spotting. Sorry if that's TMI, but I lost that filter a long time ago. I started spottting on Sunday, January 30 and that lasted about a day. Monday night and through the rest of that week I bleed heavily and then passed the tissue of my miscarriage throughout the weekend from Friday night to Monday morning, Feb 7. All last week I bled again as if a regular period and then spotting again from about Thursday night through Monday, Feb 14. All in all, a little over two weeks worth of tampons, pads and ickiness.

I'm glad the bleeding has stopped, but I'm really ready to move on so I hope that my numbers continue to drop and that I can carry on with my counting of days and waiting for monthly visitors.

Dr. Visit and a Surprise!

This morning's blood check was fairly uneventful. I got my results back and my HCG has dropped to 1,000-something. I didn't really hear the number because I'm over it at this point. The nurse told me I'd have to go back next week to give blood again and make sure the number drops below 5. So I will be waiting another week. Great.

As far as dr visits go, I had one minor set-back. One of the dr appointments I made yesterday ended up being at an office that is almost a two hour drive away. Considering that would be a four hour road trip in one day for probably a fifteen minute visit, Husband and I decided that for a few lab visits we could simply visit a dr who is a lot closer to us. If stuff starts to get serious then we'll revisit whether or not we feel comfortable going to this dr or one that is further away. The problem is, I was disappointed in my new RE's office because they gave me the name of the dr who was two hours away. When I asked them for the name of another dr closer to me they sort of seemed shocked that I would ask that and flatly said that they don't have many patients that live as far away as me. This really irritated me because, while I do sort of live far away, they can't give me the name of a dr that's within an hour's drive to me? I live approximately 1.5 hour away from my RE, but I know of several women who go or have gone to this RE and who also live about an hour away from them and I'm sure they would not want to drive another half hour further to visit this specialist. So to blame it on me that I live far away is just insulting. I don't want to get fed up with this new RE office before I even start, but it does leave a bad taste in my mouth. It frustrates me that they wouldn't give me any other dr names. This is a huge city with lots of outlying suburbs and I'm sure if you wanted to you could give me a name, but no. You can't because probably you have a contract with THAT office to not refer clients to other drs. What a joke. This is honestly the kind of stuff that makes me feel like I should not even be going to a dr at all. None of them can please me and it just blows my mind that drs offices are so shady.

On the bright side, this morning when I got up I had a super awesome surprise from my wonderful husband! I thought he had already left for work, but when I went downstairs he was still there and he was hurrying to get out of the house but I had caught him anyway! He had brought me some flowers so they would be in the kitchen when I woke up and he wrote me a very sweet note. It really brightened my day and touched my heart that he would think to do that. It made me even more glad to be married to him. He is such a blessing to me during these turbulent times and he always listens to my constant talk about infertility stuff - even when I know he does not want to hear it! He is the best and I love him so much! Thank you so much for everything, Babe!



A New Day and a New Attitude

So today is a new day and I'm feeling a lot better than yesterday. I think I really needed yesterday to be sad and upset and have my little pity party. I barely did any work, but I kept up with my email if that counts.

Today I have already done several things which make me feel like I'm moving on. Yay! I sent in my receipts for my Flex Benefits Card. Those annoying people kept emailing me. Geez - yes I used my card to pay for over $500 of services the first week of January and yes the services took place in 2011. Ugh! Annoying. Anyway, I had been putting that off and now it's done.

I also called my current RE and got them to email me a copy of the release form I need to fill out so they can fax my records to my hopefully new RE. Success. I've already recieved the email and I will fill it out tonight.

I also talked to the (mean) nurse and she again irritated me. Whatevs. I'm over her by now. I asked if I was going to need an ultrasound and if so, could I get it tomorrow when I'll be in to do blood work and she said that no, they need to check my numbers first and then if my numbers have not gone down then we will go from there. I was just trying to avoid another trip to this dr. office. I really want tomorrow to be the last time I drive to this clinic. I guess I'll have to decide if I want to ask them to fax over my records before this miscarriage issue is finally resolved or not.

I called my (hopefully) new RE's office and also made my official appointment to go see them in March. I'm super excited about that. I already had an appointment, but I had to reschedule it because I accidentally scheduled it for a day I was going to be out of town. Let the countdown begin! Can't wait to get a fresh start on this process.

On top of those phone calls, I also made an appointment at another dr's office for Huzby so I got a lot of things checked off the to-do list today. I feel much more empowered and ready to face the next couple of months than I did yesterday.

Thank you God that I am one day closer! And that the sun in shining today - in my heart and outside!

My Placenta Fell Out This Morning

This blog title pretty much sums up everything. There's almost no words to describe this, but yet I feel that I will never forget this day. I feel overwhelmed and so selfish to be having this pity party for myself, but I'm finding it hard to think about anything else right now.

I know how I got to this point, but it all seems like a dream. Actually a nightmare. Why did I think it was my baby laying there on the bathroom floor? I know it wasn't. It was just a useless piece of tissue that my body discarded. Why did it look so gross but why did I want to touch it and stare at it? Why did it look like that? I thought this was already over, but yet here I stood with my placenta laying on the bathroom floor. Probably the only reason I found the strength to pick it up was because I was afraid my dog would come eat it. And that would be far worse than just wrapping it in tissue and putting what could have been my baby into the trash can. In the trash can. I mean, where else? But for a fleeting moment why did I feel like I should bury this non-baby and have my own private ceremony? Because I'm crazy I guess. But I didn't. I just laid it in the trash can because I guess that's what I'm supposed to do.

How come the doctor didn't explain what would really happen when I miscarried? I wonder if this happens to everyone. Is it because all the REs are mostly males and they don't even know what it feels like to have a normal period, much less a miscarriage? My doctor told me that my miscarriage would be "a little heavier than a normal period" and that was about it. He did not mention that my body would go into labor causing me to have contractions for days until that placenta fell out. He did not mention that I wouldn't be able to stand up straight, that I would be on the floor crying because I thought I was dying! He didn't give me any pain medicine but instead just told me to take some ibuprofen. So I have to ask myself - what kind of person is this doctor? Did he seriously think comparing a normal period to a miscarriage is sufficient?

As I think about my placenta laying on the floor I have terrible thoughts about my doctor. He could have warned me, but he didn't. He could have told me I would bleed like it was the first day of my period for over a week. He could have told me that the miscarriage would be a million times worse than a "normal period" and that I would be shaking with pain from the miscarriage, even after I was forced to call and ask for prescription pain killers. But he's just a stupid man. I was probably the dumb one for even thinking it was appropriate to ask a MAN what it feels like to have a miscarriage. No big deal, right? Just like a papercut. I don't know who is the bigger idiot, me or him. But I'm going to go with him just because he didn't have to pick up my placenta from off the bathroom floor.

I know it's not my doctor's fault that I miscarried. I don't blame him. But I could have been warned. He could have told me that one day I would have pain and the next day I would be fine, but until I saw that placenta it was not over with. He could have told me that it was going to look like a tiny little fetus. He definitely could have told me that.

Right now I'm really sad. I keep telling myself that one day my placenta will fall out and it will come with a baby attached to it. But it's little comfort at this moment. I don't even know if this is over with yet because every time I start to feel okay I'm dragged back down to this place of hurt.

I went to McDonald's to get an iced coffee because I thought I had a coupon to get one free. It was actually a buy one get one free coupon. Whatever. I'd been wanting an iced coffee for a long time and this was fnally my first sip of a real coffee since December. It tasted bitter. Not as sweet as I had remembered. I thought about pouring it out. I thought that I probably shouldn't buy iced coffees from McDonald's anymore. But then I thought, the coffee is like my pregnancy. It was something I looked foward to, but then left me with a bitter taste in my mouth. Nothing about this pregnancy was sweet or good. It wasn't like I thought it would be and part of me is totally scared that the next time I end up getting pregnant it will be bitter again.

I ended up putting the coffee in the blender with some ice and more chocolate. It tasted better after that. So here's to adding more chocolate to my life and letting everything get blended back up so it will all be better again. I know I'll order another iced coffee at some point just like I know I will get pregnant again. Because no matter what I guess it was better to have been pregnant and lost it than to have not been pregnant at all. 

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
   where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
   the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—
   he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
   will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you—
   the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
   nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm—
   he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going
   both now and forevermore. 

- Psalm 121