This blog title pretty much sums up everything. There's almost no words to describe this, but yet I feel that I will never forget this day. I feel overwhelmed and so selfish to be having this pity party for myself, but I'm finding it hard to think about anything else right now.
I know how I got to this point, but it all seems like a dream. Actually a nightmare. Why did I think it was my baby laying there on the bathroom floor? I know it wasn't. It was just a useless piece of tissue that my body discarded. Why did it look so gross but why did I want to touch it and stare at it? Why did it look like that? I thought this was already over, but yet here I stood with my placenta laying on the bathroom floor. Probably the only reason I found the strength to pick it up was because I was afraid my dog would come eat it. And that would be far worse than just wrapping it in tissue and putting what could have been my baby into the trash can. In the trash can. I mean, where else? But for a fleeting moment why did I feel like I should bury this non-baby and have my own private ceremony? Because I'm crazy I guess. But I didn't. I just laid it in the trash can because I guess that's what I'm supposed to do.
How come the doctor didn't explain what would really happen when I miscarried? I wonder if this happens to everyone. Is it because all the REs are mostly males and they don't even know what it feels like to have a normal period, much less a miscarriage? My doctor told me that my miscarriage would be "a little heavier than a normal period" and that was about it. He did not mention that my body would go into labor causing me to have contractions for days until that placenta fell out. He did not mention that I wouldn't be able to stand up straight, that I would be on the floor crying because I thought I was dying! He didn't give me any pain medicine but instead just told me to take some ibuprofen. So I have to ask myself - what kind of person is this doctor? Did he seriously think comparing a normal period to a miscarriage is sufficient?
As I think about my placenta laying on the floor I have terrible thoughts about my doctor. He could have warned me, but he didn't. He could have told me I would bleed like it was the first day of my period for over a week. He could have told me that the miscarriage would be a million times worse than a "normal period" and that I would be shaking with pain from the miscarriage, even after I was forced to call and ask for prescription pain killers. But he's just a stupid man. I was probably the dumb one for even thinking it was appropriate to ask a MAN what it feels like to have a miscarriage. No big deal, right? Just like a papercut. I don't know who is the bigger idiot, me or him. But I'm going to go with him just because he didn't have to pick up my placenta from off the bathroom floor.
I know it's not my doctor's fault that I miscarried. I don't blame him. But I could have been warned. He could have told me that one day I would have pain and the next day I would be fine, but until I saw that placenta it was not over with. He could have told me that it was going to look like a tiny little fetus. He definitely could have told me that.
Right now I'm really sad. I keep telling myself that one day my placenta will fall out and it will come with a baby attached to it. But it's little comfort at this moment. I don't even know if this is over with yet because every time I start to feel okay I'm dragged back down to this place of hurt.
I went to McDonald's to get an iced coffee because I thought I had a coupon to get one free. It was actually a buy one get one free coupon. Whatever. I'd been wanting an iced coffee for a long time and this was fnally my first sip of a real coffee since December. It tasted bitter. Not as sweet as I had remembered. I thought about pouring it out. I thought that I probably shouldn't buy iced coffees from McDonald's anymore. But then I thought, the coffee is like my pregnancy. It was something I looked foward to, but then left me with a bitter taste in my mouth. Nothing about this pregnancy was sweet or good. It wasn't like I thought it would be and part of me is totally scared that the next time I end up getting pregnant it will be bitter again.
I ended up putting the coffee in the blender with some ice and more chocolate. It tasted better after that. So here's to adding more chocolate to my life and letting everything get blended back up so it will all be better again. I know I'll order another iced coffee at some point just like I know I will get pregnant again. Because no matter what I guess it was better to have been pregnant and lost it than to have not been pregnant at all.
I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
- Psalm 121
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